Me: So what impassions me? What makes me feel alive? Fresh air, ocean waves, deep conversation, uninterrupted focus on my body through yoga, Pilates or meditation. Art feels like a distant past but it certainly enlivened me when I was immersed. I love plays but haven't seen one in years. I like things that take me out of my head and into feeling. Reading a provocative book. Then there's what gives me joy even if it depletes my energy - a cocktail on the patio on a beautiful sunny night. The random night my mom takes the kids overnight so Kirk and I can go out, stay in, do whatever. I actually get energy from organizing my space, my house, creating order from chaos. My job makes me feel alive, gives me energy. I have great focus there and I love helping people find peace and mindfulness and a bit of functional health along the way.
Sadly though most of those things feel unattainable with kids. I haven't figured out the balance yet. I have work. I have my kids. I don't have a relationship with Kirk. I don't have active friendships. I don't have art. It takes me months to read a 200 page book. I have yoga periodically. I've been practicing meditation for the past couple of weeks which has been great. But it's tough when I'm waiting for kids to barge in at any moment. Kirk and I aren't really the great partners we thought we could be. We both try hard and put in a lot of effort. It just doesn't seem to be enough, or the right kind. I'm working on figuring that piece out. I want to get out of my head. I want to be somewhere else if only for a moment. But that's the point, right? Be in it. Be present for whatever comes. Don't get attached to any of it because it's all fleeting.
Liz: I understand that feeling of wanting to be somewhere else, even for a brief time. I don't think there's anything wrong with doing exactly that--taking a break, stepping back for a moment. I also don't think that to take a break means not being present in the moment. It might just mean that you are present enough to recognize that you need a pause. For yourself. For your sanity. For your wellbeing. I know what I'm about to suggest will probably seem totally not doable and ridiculous, but here goes: what about doing a silent meditation retreat, say for just a weekend, or even one day. An hour or two of silent contemplation, near the ocean maybe?
You wrote that you have no active friendships. What do you mean by that? I'm thinking our friendship is active, but I'm thousands of miles away, I know. Do you have a community of friends that you can reach out to for some support? I also understand that it's probably difficult to find time to spend with friends too...